And now this... Stephen Colbert's speech to the presidential correspondents' dinner May 1st. This speech was delivered not only to the American media, but to the president himself. This is definitely worth the read.

-jm

UPDATE:
Watch the whole video HERE:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-869183917758574879
Updated, full transcript HERE:
http://dailykos.com/storyonly/2006/4/30/1441/59811
Sign the "Thank you Stephen Colbert" blog HERE:
http://thankyoustephencolbert.org

Text of the speech:

"Wow, wow, what an honor. The White House Correspondents' Dinner. To just sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face.

Is he really not here tonight? The one guy who could have helped.

By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything at their tables, speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers and somebody from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail.

Ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, Mr. President and first lady, my name is Stephen Colbert and it's my privilege tonight to celebrate our president. He's not so different, he and I. We get it. We're not brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the "fact-inista." We go straight from the gut, right sir? That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say "I did look it up," and that's not true. That's because you looked it up in a book. Next time look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how our nervous system works.

Every night on my show, "The Colbert Report," I speak straight from the gut, OK? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the no-fact zone. Fox News, I own the copyright on that term.

I'm a simple man with a simple mind, with a simple set of beliefs that I live by.

Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how the Washington Post spins that one tomorrow.

I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible -- I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.

And though I am a committed Christian, I believe everyone has the right to their own religion, be it Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yogurt. But I refuse to believe it's not butter. Most of all I believe in this president. Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32 percent approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias.

So, Mr. President, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is half full. Pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32 percent means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.

Folks, my point is that I don't believe this is a low point in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull, before a comeback. I mean, it's like the movie "Rocky." The president is Rocky and Apollo Creed is everything else in the world. It's the 10th round. He's bloodied, his corner man [is] Mick, who in this case would be the vice president, and he's yelling "Cut me, Dick, cut me," and every time he falls she says stay down! Does he stay down? No. Like Rocky, he gets back up and in the end he -- actually loses in the first movie. OK. It doesn't matter. The point is the heart-warming story of a man who was repeatedly punched in the face.

So don't pay attention to the approval ratings that say 68 percent of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68 percent approve of the job he's not doing? Think about it. I haven't.

I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.

Now, there may be an energy crisis. This president has a very forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think he's down on the ranch cutting that brush all the time? He's trying to create an alternative energy source. By 2008 we will have a mesquite-powered car.

And I just like the guy. He's a good joe. Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees. She's a true lady and a wonderful woman. But I just have one beef, ma'am. I'm sorry, but this reading initiative. I've never been a fan of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart. I mean, they're elitists telling us what is or isn't true, what did or didn't happen. What's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914. If I want to say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American. I'm with the president, let history decide what did or did not happen.

The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change, this man's beliefs never will.

And as excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story -- the President's side and the vice president's side. But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in Eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason -- they're super depressing. And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished.

Over the last five years you people were so good over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.

But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works. The president makes decisions, he's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Put them through a spell check and go home.

Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know, fiction."

As a reflection on a larger issue, today I've been confirmed as "not so crazy after all." You see, I've been getting flack, quite a bit lately, for "complicating things," for refusing to accept the simple answers, and being willing to consider that things can in fact be more complicated that the apparent answers, yet elegantly simple at the same time. What the hell is he talking about, you might ask. Well, many people sit on one side of an issue or the other, claiming that it is either black or white, the chicken or the egg. And whenever I try to explain that the true answer is almost always more subtle, I am greeted with hostility from both camps. Well, today I have my day, for a group of geneticists, philosophers, and chicken farmers have found the answer. You see, the geneticist has confirmed that genetic material does not change during an animal's life. The philosopher argued that the fact that the chicken grows up to be a chicken is fundamental to its identity as a chicken, regardless of whether or not its parents were chickens. And finally, the farmer showed that eggs have been around long before chickens. In summary: something that wasn't a chicken laid an egg, and inside that egg grew what would grow up to be a chicken. So you see, the answer is so very simple, yet it defies the dichotomous nature of the question. It is not a question of the chicken OR the egg, now we know that what really came first was the chicken IN the egg.

you can find the whole story here:
http://edition.cnn.com/2006/TECH/science/05/26/chicken.egg/index.html.

-joel

Every now and then we're reminded how fragile the human body is... this is the second time this year that I've been reminded of my mortality. First was that awesome "snowboarding on a toboggan drunk" concussion (pure genius, no?), now this. I swear, it didn't involve booze, or even some vain attempt at the irrational. No, this was just a regular ol' bike ride gone bad. And no one (that I know of) even saw it happen. Middle of the day, riding carefully, and not even too fast, on the sidewalk, then BAM! out of nowhere my wheel gets pulled away by a crack. Of course, the traditional course of action would be to get thrown off the bike. Alas, I continued forward, landing ribs on handlebars with full weight and momentum to boot. Funny thing is, I kinda bounced, hopped off, caught my balance, grabbed the bike (still in a crumbling fall), and re-mounted my unfaithful steed to continue along my way. It must have been absolutely comical, 'cause I didn't even fall over, I just sorta bounced off, then back on to my bike, and continued on my way. it wasn't till I got home that I realized how hard I actually hit the handlebars. After much icing and complaining, and five days of pain, I sought out a doctor who said that my ribs are most likely fractured, but there's nothing I can do, so I just have to live with the pain for a while. Great. Nevermind the fact that moving and breathing hurt, I just finished school for the term, and all I want to do is party. *sigh... okay, done feeling sorry for myself.

In lieu of sympathy cards donations of inebriants may be made in person.

-jm

trying to make this new web page work is becoming a trying experience. apparently internet explorer doesn't treat it all as well as firefox, so rather than agonize over the damn thing, I'm pulling dictator treatment on you all and telling you that you should be using firefox. besides, it's more secure, faster, and way cooler with all the customization and extensions and stuff. just try it, it's great.

get firefox.

-joel

well, having just finished with school (and after the requisite partying), I decided it was time to do some upgrading to the website. If you don't come here often you probably won't notice, but I've done two major things.. First, I consolidated the old website from the U of W site and al its goodies, into the blogger site. Second, I updated the template to something a little more to my style. If you're familiar with the old U of W site, you'll notice that the blogger section (this stuff, in the middle section) gets updated way more often. and if you're more familiar with the blog, you'll notice a bunch of extra links and other useful tools, particularly along the right-hand column.

so there it is, something a little nicer to work with. As always, if you spot any problems or mistakes please forward them along. and I always appreciate your comments on my ramblings.

happy spring.

-joel