joel marion (dot) blogspot (dot) com
My name is Joel. This is my Blog.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005
a ramble to fill the time

A ramble to fill the time. Needing reprieve from analytical acrobatics, I seek to twist my mind around self-indulgent thoughts to relieve myself and buy the energy to keep writing. Sitting in a downtown coffee shop, the rumble of traffic melds into the background of various air conditioning systems, coffee machines, and the ever-present, occasionally enjoyable background music. The people that pass the window give me brief representations of their lives, leaving me to make ridiculously broad assumptions in order to hope that I understand the world around me. A nice car, a nice job; a dirty jacket, a painful life; a strong gait, a clear mind. Unrepentant at the inevitable fallacy of many or most, my assumptions continue to draw pictures of that which I pray to understand. To label, to apply preconceived notions on whatever we perceive, we try to make sense so that we might come to conclusions that just might lead to our ability to make decisions. Upon what else might we base life but that which we perceive and that which we believe. A journey guided by the brief intimations of an overwhelming blindness. But what would we need to overcome to escape that darkness? The openness, the vulnerability to fear and the uncertain leaves too many of us cold and frightened. Comforted by thinking we undertand, we are too easily led to believe that life is much simpler than it is. There is a vulnerability in venturing beyond those known assumptions. It leaves us open to fail, to be wrong, to be hurt. And what identity might be found in wrongness? What connection to the world when we prescribe to something beyond the status quo? No. the comfort is found in repetition, in patterns, habits, repetitions that allow us to believe we have taken part in that which has been deemed right by a supposed democratic process of consent. But what if that consent has been not out of conscious evaluative choice, but something that has been born of repetition and oversimplification in order to sell us on an idea that in reality only benefits those who promote it? So to break free from those chains we must start back at zero, accept the darkness, the weakness, the cold uncertainty, seek to see the world for what it is. We must break away from our expectations, from our own influence on our perceptions. This returns us to our desires. We desire identity, love, sustenance, warmth, comfort. We wish to be free from the fear of losing that which we desire. But the only way to be free from fear is to relinquish our desires and preconceived notions of the world. It is only by greed, the filthy antisocial extension of desire that any person has fear. But that greed can only be fed if the people it surrounds allow it to feed. without the consent of the majority no imbalance can exist. But those imbalances do exist because too many people are afraid to take that journey out beyond that which gives them comfort to realize the inherent balance of human relations.

Saturday, November 26, 2005
to hoot or not to hoot
Busy as hell trying to distract myself from what it is I know I should be doing. One paper left and all I want to do is pretend it doesn’t matter, but whenever I try to do something else it drags me down and back again. Stress and pain keeping me from focusing, I’ve been in some kind of a haze, waiting for an end that I know is not too far away. I know this stress, and I know to expect it, but that doesn’t change the facts. My back is killing me, and I laugh that I stopped smoking pot. I keep thinking that maybe I should have a little to settle myself, ease the aching, and then I question myself for seeking a crutch. What’s worse? Suffering from back pain and the subsequent redoubling of the stress of not finishing my paper within this time, time that I know is more than enough, or having a hoot so I can get my mind off the pain and back on the page? (fyi: I have deteriorating discs in my back causing excruciating pain). For those of you who still smoke this probably seems like a silly battle. What harm is there? Well, when I stopped smoking pot I had a few things in mind. I wanted my short term memory back, I wanted to go a whole term and see if that extra 5 IQ points (redeemable upon stoppage!) would help, I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t addicted, I wanted to prove to myself that as much as it was a social thing it isn’t a necessary part of my life any more. Maybe I’ve proven all of that. Maybe I’ve proven that life involves a more complicated set of needs than food and water. We make value tradeoffs every day, so is it a measure of a man that he holds to certain values over certain perceived needs? What good are values if you can’t enjoy the life they bring? That’s the point, right? You build up your values based on what you believe will bring about the best life you can bring to yourself. So if I’m gonna weigh out the choices what do I have? Proving everything I just gave as my reasons vs. feeling like hell. Still I sense some discomfort at trading values for pleasure and comfort…