Busy as hell trying to distract myself from what it is I know I should be doing. One paper left and all I want to do is pretend it doesn’t matter, but whenever I try to do something else it drags me down and back again. Stress and pain keeping me from focusing, I’ve been in some kind of a haze, waiting for an end that I know is not too far away. I know this stress, and I know to expect it, but that doesn’t change the facts. My back is killing me, and I laugh that I stopped smoking pot. I keep thinking that maybe I should have a little to settle myself, ease the aching, and then I question myself for seeking a crutch. What’s worse? Suffering from back pain and the subsequent redoubling of the stress of not finishing my paper within this time, time that I know is more than enough, or having a hoot so I can get my mind off the pain and back on the page? (fyi: I have deteriorating discs in my back causing excruciating pain). For those of you who still smoke this probably seems like a silly battle. What harm is there? Well, when I stopped smoking pot I had a few things in mind. I wanted my short term memory back, I wanted to go a whole term and see if that extra 5 IQ points (redeemable upon stoppage!) would help, I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t addicted, I wanted to prove to myself that as much as it was a social thing it isn’t a necessary part of my life any more. Maybe I’ve proven all of that. Maybe I’ve proven that life involves a more complicated set of needs than food and water. We make value tradeoffs every day, so is it a measure of a man that he holds to certain values over certain perceived needs? What good are values if you can’t enjoy the life they bring? That’s the point, right? You build up your values based on what you believe will bring about the best life you can bring to yourself. So if I’m gonna weigh out the choices what do I have? Proving everything I just gave as my reasons vs. feeling like hell. Still I sense some discomfort at trading values for pleasure and comfort…